A Reset: Waking up in a Valley and Journeying to the Mountain Top

Somewhere in the Middle of the Downward Spiral

I started 2023 just like everyone else, wanting it to be a better version of the year before. But, I had also started it being in a valley that I refused to acknowledge. My mental health, which I had been trying to convince myself was fine, was crumbling faster than I could put it back together. To make matters worse, because of the academic goals I had to reach, I didn’t perceive that there was time to fix it or even address it, a thought I had been loyal to since undergrad and never changed.

But finally, at the start of 2023, it became quite evident that there was no achieving any academic, let alone personal, or spiritual goals without a stable place in my mind. So, only to achieve what I thought was the most important thing in my life at that time, my academics, did I reach out and schedule a mental health appointment. I was attempting to fool myself into believing that I was taking the proper steps to care for my mental health, but it would have been only long enough for me to return to being productive in my academics. Months later, the realization that I didn’t even truly try to find help for my benefit and true state of well-being wrecked me. This was when I had to acknowledge the gravity of my valley.

 

 

The Valley Was Created Slowly

Rome was not built in a day. Just the same, my depressive state had been stewing for quite a while. I can’t recall the gradual decline that had brought me to the point. Like so many others, once you are in a rut, all you see are the walls. But God is there even when we can’t see, feel, or even acknowledge Him. My depression was largely based on my inability to accomplish progress in three areas of my life: academic, spiritual, and personal. My personal goals had always been at the bottom of the list and the first that lacked any achievement.

As a child, academics and spirituality were always emphasized, so I had not found a way to accurately incorporate personal well-being into the mix. Next, my spiritual life began wavering. It isn’t uncommon for Christians to go through times where they feel super connected to just blah in their walks with the Lord. I had been feeling blah for so long that another day where I felt unconnected didn’t make me strive to reconnect with the Lord as it had before. This left academics as the last of the three pillars. The rigors of medical school and my doubts about my intelligence became my strongest adversaries, leading me to fail in exams and feelings of worthlessness in the only area of my life that I had left to provide accomplishment. With that, I concluded that there was nothing left for me.

Once you are in a rut, all you see are the walls. But God is there even when we can’t see him, feel him, or even acknowledge Him.

 

Resets Don’t Need Everything Figured Out

I remained in this valley for several months. My mind just kept repeating, “We have to make it. We have to make it. We just have to make it to the next day, month, anything.” My blessing in disguise was a mandatory personal leave from school. Even at this point, with all thoughts of self-preservation gone, I was angered because I thought a break would be more days where I would be barely just making it. But as I was nearing the start of my break, I realized that God was telling me I didn’t have to just make it so I could be refreshed. During this time, I could focus on the other two areas of my life, personal and spiritual, before returning to academics.

At first, I had a million plans. I still have a million plans and am proud to say I’m OK. Even though I haven’t accomplished them all, this thinking took months. Through continued mental health appointments, medication, being honest with myself and with God, and countless conversations with my friend about the nitty gritty of everything I felt, I was able to understand grace from myself to myself, and that’s where everything began.

 

 

Space for Grace

Grace meant that I could be honest about the rigid boxes that were holding me back. It meant I could ask my friend to check in on me and be honest with her if I hadn’t moved from my bed all day. It meant leaving the house to pick up food was an acceptable form of growth compared to the day before when I probably didn’t eat. There were still days that I was frustrated or wasn’t happy with where I was. But I also realized that I wasn’t the Sariane that I was three months before. I had found a way to climb out of the valley without realizing I was climbing. I had found a way to reset without the need to start at perfection. 

 

Not The Mountain Top, But Also Not The Valley

I’d love to say that I have reached 100% achievement in all three areas of my life that were once plaguing me into darkness. I have not, but being okay with that is something I never thought I would ever get to be. As I prepare for my mandatory break to be over, I realize that I’m in a place I never thought I would be in. I make time for myself and the things that I enjoy. I no longer avoid Sunday services or music that reminds me of the Lord. And I’m planning and accomplishing academic goals without a debilitating fear that I am unintelligent or unprepared.

 

The Lord is My Shepard

I wouldn’t be here without my Lord. He truly is my shepherd. He leaves the 99 to search for us (Matthew 18:12-14), knocks at our door and waits for us to open (Revelations 3:20), and sends people to be his mouth, his feet, and his arms when we need the support (1 Corinthians 12: 12, 18, 27). I know it’s hard to rely on the Lord or have a good thought when nothing seems right. Some days, the only thing that brought me through was that I was breathing automatically because the Lord designed me to. I think He knew that we would choose to stop breathing if we had the chance.

So He designed it so that every breath would be literally from him (Genesis 2:7). And if we can’t even breathe without it being from the Lord, what makes us think we can do anything without him? What made me think I had to have it together before returning to him? I did not enjoy my journey, but if it helps another person find their way out of the valley, I’ll keep praising the Lord all the way to the top of my mountain.

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